Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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