Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
