you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
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After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
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I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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