Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
