When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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