3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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