the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize