Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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