I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
