my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
