I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
