omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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