Jerry, you need to find god
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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