I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
