I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
