Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
