my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
