I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
