Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
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After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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