I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
