How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
