Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i out mim tonsoeep
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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