i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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