I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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