Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
