you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
