So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
