Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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