Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
