If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
