Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
