I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
