I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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