man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
