I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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