flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
