I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
