my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
