Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
