it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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