I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
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I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
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Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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