I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
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