i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
