I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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