My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
