Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
