You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
