If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
