did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The uberlube is also flammable
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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