Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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