Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
