I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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