this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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