Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
