what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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