Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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