every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
