I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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