Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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